Autobiography

The Hilliker Curse: My Pursuit of Women

By James Ellroy

The mythical crime author provides us a uncooked, brutally candid memoir--as excessive depth and as riveting as any of his novels--about his obsessive look for "atonement in women."

The yr was once 1958. Jean Hilliker had divorced her fast-buck hustler husband and resurrected her maiden identify. Her son, James, used to be ten years previous. He hated and lusted after his mom and "summoned her dead." She was once murdered 3 months later.

The Hilliker Curse is a predator's confession, a treatise on guilt and at the energy of malediction, and especially, a cri de cœur. James Ellroy unsparingly describes his shattered adolescence, his antisocial youngsters, his writing existence, his amorous affairs and marriages, his apprehensive breakdown, and the start of a dating with a unprecedented lady who could be the long-sought Her.

A layered narrative of time and position, emotion and perception, sexuality and religious quest, The Hilliker Curse is a super, soul-baring revelation of self. it truly is in contrast to any memoir you've ever read.

From the Hardcover edition.

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I superimposed my force upon her—because i used to be brought from self-destructive doom, and the corollary of exalted layout definite as shit labored for me. That used to be my grave disservice, no matter what my motive. Penny was once clever, humorous, sincere, variety and knowledgeable. The dumbfounding fact on reflection: she used to be diverse from me. And we had a fab kid-lover time—when I eased up a bit of. intercourse was once sweaty and clumsy. lengthy legs and arms flailed. Nightstands collapsed, rest room furnishings caved, images fell off of partitions. Debate used to be energetic. Topical chat used to be frazzled. Penny yelled and sulked greater than I did. My video game was once to express regret and re-seduce. Penny regularly evinced forgiveness—because I consistently listened to her and consistently confirmed up. She saved me high-wire demanding. She withheld the affection speak I craved. My nervousness and hope sizzzzzzled. She believed in my self-expressed and unconfirmed expertise. She by no means lied to me. She dumped me, lured me again and placed out one-night-only calls that I constantly jumped at. No marriage, no daughters, no possessive pronouns. consistent heartache and no narrative line. I stayed within the struggle. I fastened on Penny’s formative trauma and attempted to salve her there. Her trauma used to be much less hyperbolic than mine. She disbursed her trauma a sane contemplation and never even more. She used to be now not out to take advantage of her demons for public renown. you recognize, I’m now not you. Won’t you please loosen up? No, i cannot. Penny had that married lover. She’d dropped information now and again. I referred to as him a “Jew cocksucker. ” Penny kicked me. I boo-hooed and repented. Penny laughed and took me to mattress. i used to be scuffling with a two-front warfare. There’s Penny. There’s my ebook and the girl with the cello. Beethoven had engaged in comparable wrestle. There’s the “Immortal cherished. ” There’s comely piano scholars meanwhile. embody me, my darling. Later, babe—I gotta write the 5th Symphony, and that i can’t pay attention you besides. The presence of the married man sanctioned me to prowl. I went at it, complete velocity. I re-faced one other set of ladies and melded them into my blur. They have been genuine girls. I met them, talked to them, courted them and had short liaisons. My new self-confidence inured me to rejection. I jumped on “Yes,” attempted back at “Maybe,” packed my tent at “No. ” there have been AA girls and nude espresso dates at “Hot bathtub Fever. ” It was once 1980. Java within the buff used to be risqué and no more than a wolf name. I met ladies in eating places and movie-theater strains. I acquired loads of cell numbers and constructed phone-talk relationships. I waited at nighttime for the telephone to ring. That’s nonetheless my nightly MO. the telephone jewelry or doesn’t ring now. the telephone rang or didn’t ring then. lifeless air, vibelessness and swinging dialog. the ladies have been indistinguishable and every and each one precise. They proficient me that the realm had became a nook with intercourse and that it had turn into much less mystical. I spoke back that I knew this. adventure had demystified me. adventure had now not dampened my ardor or altered the goddess-worshiping scope of my quest. My cellphone and dive pad have been conduits. I labored on the golfing direction, wrote my publication and waited for the telephone to ring.

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